Blooming flower

 I'll stop running now, I'm sorry. 

  When I am open I feel like I am in contact pain. I feel hurt often and in truth I am a sensitive person. I have experienced so much pain for a 27 year lifespan. I try to reconcile with it, "Everyone has pain in their life" but not like this.  This is a deep ache that echos down every millimeter of my skin. It clings to me like a frightened child begging for protection. I feel it in every memory that I hold, in every moment that I cherish, in every breath that fills my lungs. My body is completely full of it. There isn't a single surface that doesn't know the strike of someone's hand, the burn of someone's anger or the agonizing weight of someone's dissatisfaction.  When will I be free?  Is any of this pain caused by me? 

 Deleting photographs of people I no longer know feels like closing the door on unpacked regrets  As if getting rid of any proof I knew you would dial back the clock and return time  Feeling my heart harden and sink at every glimpse of the past  I'll hold on to our silly little photographs just a bit longer, in the hopes that the lead in my heart bleeds through and I no longer feel the need to destroy my memories of you 

We just did our best and maybe our best wasn't good enough  There is no shame in that, we were just doing what we knew how to do.  Maybe next time our best will be enough  Maybe because our best is better than it was before  We added to it  Changed it Made it digestible  Maybe we didn't change anything at all  Maybe we are still stuck only doing the things we know how to do  Maybe this time it's enough, not because we dressed it up and made it into something it's not No, maybe this time it didn't demand so much of us  Maybe this time we didn't need to break ourselves down into bite sized pieces  Maybe this time we were able to do our best and for each other our best was enough 

Before I knew it, it was 4am I haven’t felt a breath of air in years All my pain has blended into a lump sitting in the center of my chest I don't think anything has ever weighed more than this feeling I'm drowning again I'm always drowning Always thinking, each thought pulling me further into myself I don't know if i will get out, I don't know if i want to Sinking is all that I know, it's all that I have It's all that I am A sinkhole, piled to the brim that only burrows deeper Lost and then found, found and then lost There is no path here, just choices Right Wrong They hold no power over the outcome I sink regardless

Darkness submerges our beings from head to toe, leaving a trail of broken minds and lost souls  Our reality is not one of truth or kindness but one of greed and deception  The brightest of us all cannot shine under the pressure of a looming black hole 

Her Mind is at war with itself Two sides of the same jagged edge Half yearns for peace while t he other craves destruction  An enslaved soul forced to bind to the will of a corrupt society Having no desire to make the decisions  Harboring the knowledge that this world Cannot thrive on the foundation man has built  

  This body has been beaten and bruised  Cursed and ridiculed  laughed at and critiqued underfed and overworked  overfed and underappreciated This body has been told more than enough that it does not belong  That it is not enough  That it is too much  This body has learned to feel threatened by the presence of others  This body has been taught pain  How do I begin to search for peace in a space that has never known it? How can I ask this body for the love it has never been shown?

  My spirit is free, she is who she wishes to be and I will never fucking apologize for her again

Face to face  The mixture of our breath raising tension  I wonder how you can be this close and feel so far away  These are the moments we never truly share Our temporary passion stowed away in a small pocket  Handpicked and measured by you, to the sound of my heart on your sleeve 

I'm looking forward to a better future I'm looking forward to putting myself first. I am hanging on for a future I know I deserve but continue to push away. I am looking for myself. You don't know her, but neither do i. She is waiting for her truth to be heard, she is waiting to feel safe in her home, in my body. She is waiting for me to have no strings attached with the expression of my soul. She is waiting for me to stop pushing her under the rug at the call of my name by another's mouth. She is waiting for me to stand up straight and yell my name to the universe because i am here. She is waiting for a time when she speaks and finally all of the words come out. She is waiting for me, And I, am waiting for her

Out of touch with reality and on the rim of destruction  Building an empire on self love may have been an easier path  Now is not a time to plan an escape but a chance to accept a better future  You can fill the cracks in my heart and break the illusions of my mind  but I alone must break the cycles of my past I fear that I may tear you apart and leave nothing left but the broken perception of a women you once loved 

Materializing between the spaces in time  Formed within an empty room and bound to a source of energy Assuring the creation of something yet to come Resurfacing a feeling of hope and promising an empire of perfection  Allowing you to fight with an unknown power Fighting for the chance to create your own reality 

I told you I loved you and wished you well; up until the very last day  I left you with a smile on my face  You loved me still, but would never say the words; You always felt your pain was the worst  You left me in silence not knowing how it hurt; When those unspoken words began to burn 

  Numbingly outnumbered in this world of easy prediction  Harboring a soul too heavy for the average heart to care for  Wandering  Not lost  But searching for a place to call home 

  I am strong yet I am fragile  Though I rarely run out of pieces to break  Too many times I have stood tall in the pit of my breaking point  Lightly gripping the edge before f alling in slow motion  I soak my soul in written words Dripping letters into the fine lines of my brain  An easy escape for a time filled with pain

  Held prisoner within my mind with haunting yet exhilarating thoughts of you My brain a jumbled mess of yours and my own I've never held on this tightly, though letting go has never been my strong suit  I reminisce less often these days; Frequency having been replaced by intensity I know I am only breaking down a wall that has been beaten endlessly, covered in abrasions  I am frantically searching for words to make sense of my recently disguised despair  It's not a lack of happiness, no It's an excess of spiritual need with no promise of relief Leading a life by the demands of those with the illusion of authority Filing into a long line and awaiting my external captivation 

I have given more than I have ever owned; Mind, Body, and Soul Doubt lies within my efforts, Doubt in the worth of my kindness Spreading myself thin in order to fill the empty spaces Harboring the worry that I ask of too much from this world Will the deep care that I have shared be reciprocated? Or have I exaggerated the intent of my actions? I have given every last inch of myself in the search for the feeling of belonging, I must be too far gone

Analyzing the words as I speak Years of unheard hurt and resilience scarcely piled up on the verge of tipping, Waiting for a chance to be felt in full. They live in a box with holes through the top to let the air in, leaving no room for expression. 

There is irony in your sad eyes  Empty promises leave your mouth drooling with sideways truths  The one you tore your heart out for would never sew it shut Still, you sit in regretful self pity with a mask over your face, mourning a loss that was always sure to come  Ripping your flowers from her neglected soil, destroying the foundation from the roots of the one you once loved Blind to the true pain you have caused, with not a sliver of empathy