Blooming flower

 I'll stop running now, I'm sorry. 

  When I am open I feel like I am in contact pain. I feel hurt often and in truth I am a sensitive person. I have experienced so much pain for a 27 year lifespan. I try to reconcile with it, "Everyone has pain in their life" but not like this.  This is a deep ache that echos down every millimeter of my skin. It clings to me like a frightened child begging for protection. I feel it in every memory that I hold, in every moment that I cherish, in every breath that fills my lungs. My body is completely full of it. There isn't a single surface that doesn't know the strike of someone's hand, the burn of someone's anger or the agonizing weight of someone's dissatisfaction.  When will I be free?  Is any of this pain caused by me? 

 Deleting photographs of people I no longer know feels like closing the door on unpacked regrets  As if getting rid of any proof I knew you would dial back the clock and return time  Feeling my heart harden and sink at every glimpse of the past  I'll hold on to our silly little photographs just a bit longer, in the hopes that the lead in my heart bleeds through and I no longer feel the need to destroy my memories of you 

We just did our best and maybe our best wasn't good enough  There is no shame in that, we were just doing what we knew how to do.  Maybe next time our best will be enough  Maybe because our best is better than it was before  We added to it  Changed it Made it digestible  Maybe we didn't change anything at all  Maybe we are still stuck only doing the things we know how to do  Maybe this time it's enough, not because we dressed it up and made it into something it's not No, maybe this time it didn't demand so much of us  Maybe this time we didn't need to break ourselves down into bite sized pieces  Maybe this time we were able to do our best and for each other our best was enough